I had a melt down last week. A honest to God, hit my breaking point, I want to scream, cry and break things simultaneously, breaking point. Thank goodness my kids were fast asleep.
I've never been one to bring work stress home but my job has been very trying this year. I was in a particularly difficult situation in an already difficult line of business and it was taking a toll. A number of extenuating circumstances seemed to keep falling in my lap. I kept getting condolences from management, but it came with the "it's out of my hands" talk. It got worse, and worse as the year has gone on. It had become emotionally exhausting. Every. Single. Day.
I got home Tuesday afternoon to a kitchen of dirty dishes, pile of laundry, and a not so organized house. I checked out at that moment. After making dinner, I sat on the couch with a pair of headphones and some very loud music for the majority of the evening.
I was angry that my house was a mess.. more angry that I had no motivation to get up and rectify it. Really angry that my job had put me in this place, or even more so that I had allowed it to. I was depressed. I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a hard spot... a very hard spot.. in a corner.. with no way out.
I am lucky enough to work only while my kids are in school. No where else can I work the hours I do with the money I make. I do feel blessed in that regard. What's most frustrating, is that I love what I do.. just hate the environment it has become. Not getting support from management, especially to simple procedural questions is infuriating. Unfortunately, this has become the norm.
That night I couldn't sleep. I was too sad, too upset, too angry to sleep. I cried. My boyfriend was mortified when he saw how upset I was and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. I really didn't want to talk about it for fear of my crying turning into full blown ugly sobs that no one should ever see. He, of course, made me tell him. The floodgates opened. I didn't know it was possible to yell and whisper at the same time.
If I had a dollar for every time this man has told me, "I want you to be happy", "What can I do to help", or something similar.. I would be a rich woman. I'm not sure what I have done to deserve him but I am oh so thankful to have him. At this point it's somewhere around 2 am. I was truly exhausted and the headache of all headaches was starting to consuming me. He tried to convince me that I needed to stay home from work and take a personal day. I should have listened.
There was another major break down in communication at work the next day. I left early and took a personal day on Thursday. I wasn't scheduled to work Friday or Saturday. The break was needed.
Over the next few days; the house was cleaned, meals planned and shopped for, and I regained my sanity. Some friends invited us up to Octoberfest on Saturday. The fresh mountain air and beautiful autumn leaves were just what I needed to fully pull me out of my funk.
This week has been better. Even at work. I found out I am getting the promotion I should have gotten in June (one of those extenuating circumstances) and management has been holding focus groups to improve communication among other issues. I hope things will continue to look up.
In the scheme of all the world's problems, I will take mine over other's any day. I take comfort in knowing all this frustration at work is temporary and I'm very thankful for the support of my family, especially Russ when I was feeling so overwhelmed. I love that the sun will still rise and a beautiful new day will continue to dawn. I'm still learning that it's perfectly fine not to be perfect and ask for help when I can't do it all on my own.
I'm proud to say, I can crochet blankets now. Granted, I've only made one. But it turned out beautifully for my first one. Jackson has made it VERY clear that he wants one of his own. I keep finding it missing from my room only to locate it on his bed, or him wrapped up in it on the couch.
I've wanted to learn how to crochet for as long as I can remember. My Grandma Alice crocheted. Every person in my family has something she had made. I grew up with one of her pink afghans on my bed. I remember her sitting in her burnt orange recliner, happily stitching along in her living room. In the back of my mind I always thought, "I have plenty of time to learn, so there's no hurry". When I think about it, I have put off many things I've wanted to do because theres always time later.
No more waiting. I went to the craft store and bought a set of crochet hooks and a skein of yarn. Over the course of the next two days, I crocheted a scarf! Thank goodness for youtube and the ability to rewind again, and again, and again...
